It's been much too long since I wrote. That whole dating extravaganza was a bit of an emotional roller coaster. It's been a good adventure, one that I'm continuing on, but you guys. This is so exhausting. And this post isn't even about dating. It's not about throwing two bridal showers within a week of eachother, it's not about the other pastry chef being so sick she wasn't allowed to come to work for four days, leaving me with double graduation on my own, this isn't about those rude comments someone left on a couple posts, that I can't bring myself to publish, this isn't about being frustrated with a setback, or being mad at yourself because no matter how hard you try this week you keep falling asleep when you say your prayers.
Except it is.
^ All of that, I love that. I love the exhaustion. I don't love being being exhausted, but I love the constant productivity, the projects, the push yourself just a little bit further and you'll make it. You're mentally tougher than this. I tell myself that daily. I once read a book on combat visualization, that year we made a BIG run for the State Championship. Except, I'm not lacing up those cleats anymore, I'm putting on my chef shoes, my heels, my running shoes. I plan my every move, by rehearsing how I want it to play out, or expect the situation to play out in my mind.
I'm going to roll over, shut the alarm off, grab my pants hanging on the hamper, grab socks out of the top left hand drawer, put shoes on, walk into the bathroom, brush my teeth, grab a ponytail on the hook in the shower, put my hair up on the way up the stairs, grab a chef coat off the ironing board, V8 out of the bottom shelf in the fridge, keys on the hook by the door, get in the car and go to work.
I think all of this before I get out of bed. I make the plan, to eliminate any wasted time, wasted productivity.
I know I'm a high strung person, let's get real here. I take a prescribed narcotic 3x a day, to slow down, so I can focus. The same drug that kids use to stay awake and speed up to survived finals. I am that person.
I love being that person, I come from a family of spirited individuals. We are an intense group of people. All in our own capacity we push ourselves to be the best in our field. I have siblings who spend hours researching, hours with their musical instruments, hours at the barre, hours designing, creating, etc. I love the intensity. You think we're neat, you should meet my parents.
Enter my dating team/life coaches.
Dani and Madi don't think I'm crazy. (at least they don't tell me.)
They are currently teaching me how to breathe, how to cope, how to be calm.
so y'know, I can handle this life that I love.
Last week I had a really long day at work, and without so many details I ended up on Dani's couch like this:
A. I didn't have time to be down
B. I didn't want to be down
C. I was down and couldn't control it.
Tylenol/Caffeine Pill mix up. (don't freak out mom, I'm fine now. )
So I got put on the couch with some essential oil soaked compress for five hours. I said quite a bit of silly things, but here's where I'm going. It was okay to be down. In fact it was encouraged. To take time to regroup.
#lovedit
And then we talk about things like (
The Power of Vulnerability )
Good luck making it through that.
And last night, I went way out of my comfort zone. Like at least a 15 on the scale. I let Dani talk me into going to a guided meditation class with her.
Guided Meditation
an hour of being still
of being calm.
and then, the teacher wanted us to chant.
I panic when it comes to singing in church.
and now I'm sitting cross legged in a yoga studio, and I'm supposed to chant.
and then I decided, I'm going to do this.
I'm going to learn how to relax.
and so I chanted.
and I'm still feeling a little out of the comfort zone, but this morning it was worth it.
Look at my sleep!
Getting out of the comfort zone was worth it, for a full nights sleep, without any prompting.
Chant on.
xoxo
Keep doing big things.
